It’s been nearly two months since I’ve blogged. A lot’s been happening since then. My children finished one grade and started another (NC year-round schools make that possible). I’ve had some stumbles, some falls, some improvements, and some perfectly ordinary days. I’m also in the process of making some big decisions about whether to change medicines and neurologists. In other words, plenty of topics.
So why not blog? I could say I haven’t had time, but that would be an excuse, and not a truthful one. I think the more truthful response involves asking questions but not bothering to think about the answers.
Why blog? People have different reasons why they blog. When I originally started to blog after my diagnosis, I knew why I blogged. I wanted to be able to get information to people who may be curious about how I’m doing but didn’t want to nag me, or who didn’t see me frequently enough to stay plugged in. That made a lot of sense when I was first dealing with the illness, dealing with a lot of issues for the first time, working through a lot of questions, and learning together about the illness. But it’s been 11 years since my diagnosis, and I’m in a different place with MS now. There’s a lot to look at and talk about in the early stages of the illness.
But 11 years in, how much is there to really talk about? And why talk about it online? I was at the pool today. and I was asked why I bothered chatting with people online. I mentioned keeping in touch with people from my past, and how I still am in touch with two of my college roommates. She responded by laughing that she sees her high school classmates every five years at the reunion and that’s fine with her.
Maybe part of the reason I don’t blog is because I doubt the significance of my voice. During that same conversation, I got second-guessed on so many events and personal situations I’ve experienced…even down to the number of sports letters I said I earned in school. When I explained why the exercise bikes in the neighborhood facility weren’t right for my therapy, I was told I was wrong. I explained that I had tried all of her suggestions about changing the settings on the bikes, but they didn’t work, and I wasn’t going to waste my time going back there again just so I could show her I knew what I was talking about. That’s a typical conversation we have. My husband said she was doing it to get me riled up, to tease me. Whatever her motives, I don’t care…I just know that talks like that help those seeds of doubt in me to grow. That may also explain why, unlike her, I chat online – I can have a conversation without having basic elements called into question.
The seeds of doubt are also fed by my inadequacies to which this damnable disease contribute. Every hour, there’s a break called at the pool, and the kids 5-have to be out of the pool for 5-10 minutes. My older son was bored. His brother was over at the other pool in the complex for a birthday party, and he didn’t have anyone to play with. He knew his aunt was coming, and he was disappointed she wasn’t there yet. He also wished I would get into the pool with him. I told him that I had trouble getting in and out of the pool by myself, so I wouldn’t be able to get into the pool with him until his father and brother were done with the pool party. My son was obviously disappointed. He held onto my cane like it could grant wishes and kept wishing his aunt was there. Yet another reason for me to curse the shortcomings of my disease and feel frustrated that the mommy of my children can’t do things that the other mommies can do.
So why blog? I’m just putting thoughts out into a universe with stuff like pictures of people’s meals and pictures of kittens with silly expressions printed on them. Why does that matter, even to me? And what makes me so arrogant to believe that my voice offers anything?
Nope, this blog post doesn’t end with everything tied up with a pretty bow. But when does that ever happen with MS? When does that ever happen with parenting?
